Reclaiming Your Worth: Responding to Invasive Holiday Questions Without Losing Your Cool
The holidays can be a minefield of awkward conversations. Between the “When are you getting married?” and “When are you having kids?” crowd, there’s the equally grating “Why don’t you work?” or “What are you doing these days?” If you’re neurodivergent, navigating these moments can feel like running a gauntlet of judgment and ableism, especially when your worth gets tied to your productivity.
Here’s the thing: your worth is not up for debate. It’s not tied to a job, a to-do list, or how well you perform the neurotypical song-and-dance. Let’s dive into how to release guilt and respond to these questions with your power intact.
Why Does Guilt Show Up Here?
Let’s be honest: guilt loves to tag along when societal norms don’t align with how your brain or body works. We live in a world that idolizes hustle culture and productivity, making it easy to feel “less than” if you’re not ticking off the traditional boxes.
But here’s the reality: those boxes? They’re arbitrary. They weren’t designed for people who think, feel, or process the world differently. And those questions that poke at your soft spots? They’re more about the person asking than they are about you.
Redefining Worth: You Are More Than What You Do
Your value isn’t tied to how much you produce, how you spend your time, or whether you’re working a “real job.” You are valuable simply because you exist. Full stop.
Think about the qualities that make you who you are:
Your creativity.
Your empathy and ability to think outside the box.
The way you bring color, humor, and magic into spaces that desperately need it.
If someone’s view of worth can’t encompass that, the problem isn’t you—it’s their narrow lens.
Responding to Invasive Questions
Here are some ways to shut down or sidestep triggering questions without sacrificing your peace:
1. Keep It Simple and Direct
Sometimes, the best approach is minimal effort.
“I don’t feel like talking about that right now.”
“I’m focused on what’s best for me right now, and that’s enough.”
2. Use Humor to Deflect
Diffuse the awkwardness with a little sass.
“Oh, I’m on sabbatical from being fabulous—it’s exhausting.”
“I’m plotting world domination, one Netflix binge at a time.”
3. Challenge the Premise
Flip the question back and make them think.
“Why do you ask?” (With a raised eyebrow, for bonus points.)
“I don’t think what I do defines who I am. Do you?”
4. Set a Boundary
It’s okay to push back if someone’s being persistent or rude.
“That’s a personal question, and I’d prefer not to discuss it.”
“I’d rather talk about something we both enjoy—how about [topic you love]?”
When Guilt Creeps In
Even when you know your worth, it’s easy to feel activated or overwhelmed in these moments. Try these steps to center yourself:
Pause and Breathe: Take a deep breath and ground yourself. You don’t have to respond immediately.
Validate Your Feelings: It’s okay to feel hurt or triggered. Your emotions are valid.
Shift the Narrative: Remind yourself that their opinion doesn’t define your reality. You are doing your best, and that’s enough.
Celebrate the Season on Your Terms
Here’s your permission slip to redefine the holidays. Skip the gatherings that drain you. Wear your noise-canceling headphones unapologetically. Create moments of joy that feel right for you, whether that’s a solo pizza party or watching your favorite show in fuzzy socks.
The holidays don’t have to be a test of endurance. They can be a time to reconnect with yourself, your needs, and what truly matters to you.
Closing Thoughts
The next time someone asks, “What are you doing these days?” remember: you don’t owe them an explanation. You are enough as you are. This season, let your gift to yourself be the freedom to rest, to set boundaries, and to stand unapologetically in your truth.
What’s your favorite way to navigate these tricky holiday moments? Drop your tips in an email—we’re all in this together.