Navigating Family Dynamics and Ableism: Strategies for Neurodivergent Adults
Family: the people who are supposed to have your back, yet somehow have the uncanny ability to push every single button you didn’t even know you had. For neurodivergent adults, navigating family dynamics can feel like a game of emotional dodgeball, where ableism—both intentional and unintentional—tends to hit you square in the face.
Maybe your diagnosis gets dismissed (“Oh, but you’re so normal! You can’t be [insert neurodivergence here].”). Or perhaps your coping mechanisms are ridiculed (“You’re so dramatic—just get over it!”). Sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone, and you’re definitely not overreacting.
Let’s get into the nitty-gritty of how to handle misunderstandings, boundary violations, and ableism with as much grace—or ferocity—as the situation demands.
Because you deserve respect, even when it's "all in good fun".
〰️
Because you deserve respect, even when it's "all in good fun". 〰️
1. Set Your Boundaries Like They’re Made of Steel
Boundaries are your protective armor. Without them, you’re leaving yourself wide open to emotional exhaustion, hurt feelings, and even retraumatization. Here’s how to make them rock-solid:
Define Your Boundaries Ahead of Time
Ask yourself:
What topics are absolutely off-limits?
What behaviors will I not tolerate (e.g., unsolicited advice, comments about my body, or dismissing my neurodivergence)?
What do I need to feel safe and respected?
Write these down and keep them with you if it helps. Clarity is power.
Communicate Them Clearly
You don’t need a formal announcement (unless that’s your style), but you do need to let key people know what’s not up for discussion. For example:
“Hey, I know you care, but my neurodivergence isn’t something I want to talk about today.”
“Please don’t make comments about my stimming. It’s how I regulate, and it’s not up for debate.”
Hold the Line
Boundaries mean nothing if you let people bulldoze them. If someone keeps pressing, hold your ground:
“I already said I don’t want to discuss this.”
“This conversation is making me uncomfortable. Let’s move on.”
And if they won’t stop? Feel free to remove yourself. Protecting your peace isn’t rude—it’s survival.
2. Recognize and Address Ableism
Ableism can show up in sneaky ways that make you question if you’re overreacting. Spoiler: you’re not. Here’s how to identify and respond:
Common Ableist Behaviors
Dismissiveness: “You don’t seem autistic.” “Everyone gets anxious—why is it such a big deal for you?”
Comparisons: “Your cousin has ADHD, and they’re doing just fine. Why can’t you?”
Minimization: “It’s not that hard to just make eye contact.”
Strategies for Calling It Out
If it’s safe and you have the energy, name it:
“When you say that, it feels like you’re dismissing my lived experience.”
“Actually, that’s a stereotype, and it’s harmful.”
“I need you to respect that this is real for me, even if you don’t understand it.”
Calling out ableism isn’t about making them feel bad—it’s about standing up for yourself and creating space for growth. That said, it’s okay to let comments slide if you’re not up for the emotional labor.
3. Master the Art of the Redirect
Some family members love to dig into your life like it’s their favorite reality show. Instead of engaging, redirect their energy:
Examples of Redirecting
Nosy question: “Why do you always get so stressed out?”
Response: “Because I’m human. Speaking of stress, how’s work going for you?”Invasive comment: “Why do you stim? It’s weird.”
Response: “It helps me self-regulate. Anyway, did you hear about [random topic]?”
Redirecting isn’t avoidance; it’s strategic disengagement. You’re shifting the focus away from yourself and onto safer ground.
4. Choose Your Battles Like a Pro
Not every ableist comment deserves your time and energy. Sometimes, the best response is no response at all—especially if the person is just looking for a fight.
When to Engage
The person seems open to learning.
You feel emotionally grounded enough to educate them.
The comment is harmful enough that it needs to be addressed.
When to Let It Go
They’re clearly stuck in their ways.
You’re already emotionally drained.
Engaging will escalate the conflict without any real resolution.
Remember, walking away doesn’t mean you’re letting them win. It means you’re prioritizing your energy, which is always the right call.
5. Build a Support System
Sometimes, family dynamics are just too much to handle alone. Having a support system can make all the difference.
Who’s in Your Corner?
Trusted allies: A sibling, cousin, or friend who can help deflect attention or back you up.
Online communities: Neurodivergent groups on social media can be a great source of validation and advice.
Therapist or coach: Someone who understands your experience and can help you develop coping strategies.
Leaning on others isn’t a weakness—it’s a strength.
6. Have an Exit Plan (and Don’t Be Afraid to Use It)
You are not obligated to endure a toxic environment just because it’s family. Create an exit strategy before you even walk in the door:
Exit Plan Basics
Drive yourself or have a ride lined up.
Have a “fake emergency” text ready if you need to leave abruptly.
Decide ahead of time how much time you’re willing to stay.
Your presence isn’t a gift to others if it costs you your mental health.
7. Decompress and Reflect
After the gathering, you’ll probably feel like you’ve just run an emotional marathon. Give yourself time to process and recover:
Post-Event Self-Care
Vent: Journal about what happened, or call a friend who gets it.
Reclaim joy: Do something comforting, whether it’s binge-watching a favorite show, taking a walk, or indulging in your favorite snacks.
Reflect: What went well? What boundaries worked? What could you tweak for next time?
Recovery time is not optional. It’s how you refill your cup after pouring so much out.
Final Thoughts
Family dynamics and ableism are exhausting, but you don’t have to endure them passively. By setting boundaries, recognizing ableism, and prioritizing your well-being, you’re not just surviving—you’re reclaiming your power.
And if anyone calls you “too sensitive” or accuses you of making a fuss? Remind them that you’ve worked damn hard to embrace who you are—and you’re not about to dim your light just to make them comfortable.
Here’s to navigating family chaos with all the grace and sass of a neurodivergent badass. You’ve got this. 💪
