Your Rules, Your Holidays: A Neurodivergent, Trauma-Informed Survival Guide

Redefining the season for those who don’t do family gatherings—and don’t need to. And for the neurodivergent adult who’s tired of the same old self-care advice.

Let’s get one thing straight: the holidays are yours to define. If family gatherings, “traditional” celebrations, or the pressure to fake cheer make you want to hibernate until February, you’re not alone. For neurodivergent adults—and especially for those navigating trauma, estrangement, or just plain burnout—this season can feel like a gauntlet of expectations that don’t fit your reality.

We’re not here to “manage” that, we’re here to rewrite it because the holidays should fit you- not the other way around! So, what if we ditched the cookie-cutter holiday model and created something that actually works for you? Here’s how to protect your peace, set your own traditions (or skip them entirely), and make it through the season without compromising yourself.

1. Permission to Opt Out Completely

Let’s start with the most radical idea: you don’t have to celebrate the holidays at all. If this time of year feels triggering, exhausting, or just plain irrelevant to your life, you’re allowed to skip it.

• Trauma-Informed Take: For many, holidays are loaded with memories of conflict, neglect, or harm. Choosing not to participate isn’t “giving up”; it’s creating space to heal.

• Sassy Reminder: When people question your choice, just say, “I don’t celebrate. It’s not my thing.” You owe no further explanation.

2. Replace Traditions That Don’t Serve You

You don’t have to throw out the entire concept of celebration. Instead, consider creating your own rituals—ones that feel grounding, joyful, or restorative for you.

• Ideas for New Traditions:

  • Have a “Me Day” with your favorite comfort foods, cozy clothes, and zero obligations.

  • Celebrate your chosen family or close friends with a small, no-pressure gathering.

  • Mark the season with a gratitude practice—write down one thing you’re thankful for each day, even if it’s just, “I survived today.”

*Holiday Energy Auditing: What’s Actually Worth It?*

Not all holiday activities are created equal. Some traditions may light you up (hello, cozy movie nights), while others might drain you faster than a poorly charged phone (goodbye, 3-hour potluck with strangers).

• Here’s the twist: Instead of asking, “Do I have time for this?” ask yourself, “Do I have energy for this?”

• Rate every invitation or activity on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being “Hell no” and 5 being “Actually sounds fun.” Anything under a 3? Politely decline.

• Prioritize what feels fulfilling or restorative, not what’s just expected of you.

3. Lean Into the Power of Solitude

The cultural narrative around the holidays pushes connection, but sometimes the best company is yourself. Spending the holidays solo isn’t sad—it’s empowering.

• Solo Celebration Ideas:

  • Create a personal retreat: think blankets, your favorite music or movies, and no interruptions.

  • Take a nature walk to reconnect with yourself (bonus points if it’s somewhere quiet).

  • Reflect on what you’ve accomplished or survived this year—because, honestly, you’ve earned some damn credit.

• Sassy Tip: When someone asks what you’re doing for the holidays, reply, “I’m spending time with someone I truly enjoy: me.”

4. Manage the Emotional Landmines

The holidays can stir up old wounds, especially if you’re estranged from family or processing past trauma. Be ready for emotional waves, and treat yourself with compassion when they hit.

• Strategies for Emotional Regulation:

  • Use grounding techniques, like holding an ice cube, to stay present during overwhelming moments.

  • Write down your feelings without judgment—journaling can be a powerful release.

  • Have a go-to “comfort kit” with items like a favorite blanket, soothing scents, or a playlist that calms you.

• Honest Reminder: You’re not “too sensitive” or “making it about you.” Your feelings are valid, period.

5. Connection Doesn’t Have to Be Conventional

For many, the idea of chosen family is a lifesaver during the holidays. If you’re not close to biological family, seek out connections that make you feel seen and valued.

• Ways to Build Connection:

  • Join an online holiday support group—many are geared toward queer, neurodivergent, or trauma survivors.

  • Host a virtual hangout with friends who also feel disconnected from traditional holidays.

  • Write letters or emails to people who’ve positively impacted your year—it’s a way to feel connected without the stress of socializing.

• Sassy Reminder: Blood doesn’t make family. Love and respect do.

6. Ditch the Pressure to Heal or Reconcile

If you’re estranged from family, the holidays might come with pressure to “reach out” or “fix things.” But healing isn’t a seasonal obligation, and reconciliation isn’t always possible—or safe.

• Trauma-Informed Take: Reconnecting should only happen if it’s something you genuinely want and feel ready for. Otherwise, it’s okay to leave those boundaries in place.

• Sassy Tip: When well-meaning people suggest you “make amends,” just say, “That’s not my priority right now.”

7. Plan for the Post-Holiday Crash

Even if you avoid the chaos, the end of the season can leave you feeling emotionally spent. Be proactive about recovery.

• Recovery Strategies:

  • Schedule something you enjoy in early January, like a solo day trip or a creative project.

  • Decompress with sensory-friendly activities, like stimming, coloring, or weighted blankets.

  • Check in with a therapist or trusted friend if the season brought up unresolved feelings.

You know that drained, fuzzy feeling after a social event? That’s a social hangover, and it’s real. The problem isn’t just the event—it’s what you’re not doing afterward to recover.

• Recovery Recipe:

• Hydrate. Seriously, you’re probably dehydrated (and no, coffee doesn’t count).

• Journal or voice note your thoughts to offload lingering anxiety.

• Go full sensory detox: dim lighting, no sound, soft textures. Your nervous system will thank you.

• Schedule a buffer day if you can—one full day of no obligations to recover post-event.

8. Outsource, Outsource, Outsource

Neurodivergent brains often struggle with executive dysfunction, and the holidays crank that struggle up to eleven. The good news? You don’t have to do it all yourself.

• Let Go of DIY Culture:

• Buy pre-made desserts.

• Let someone else wrap gifts.

• Delegate chores like decorating or cleaning.

  *Sassy Tip: Anyone giving you crap for outsourcing gets a sweet response like, “It’s called working smarter, not harder. You should try it.”

9. Find Joy in the Smallest Things

Holidays or not, joy is valid in whatever form it takes. Let yourself savor it, even if it’s just a fleeting moment.

• Examples of Small Joys:

  • Lighting a candle and enjoying the way it flickers.

  • Playing your favorite game or indulging in a hyperfixation.

  • Watching the snow fall or the stars twinkle—pure, simple magic.

Joy isn’t one-size-fits-all. Instead of trying to force traditional holiday cheer, get curious about what actually brings you happiness or peace—and lean into that unapologetically.

• Unconventional Joy Ideas:

• Skip the tree but go all-in on candles and fairy lights for sensory-friendly ambiance.

• Celebrate your special interests—have a themed holiday day around them.

• Take solo holiday photos just for yourself. Who says family portraits are the only option?

• Plan a neurodivergent-friendly “holiday” in February, when the chaos has died down.

Final Thoughts: The Holidays Are Yours to Rewrite

This season doesn’t belong to Hallmark movies or commercial traditions. It belongs to you. Whether you celebrate, opt out, or create something entirely unique, remember that your well-being comes first.

You’re not broken for avoiding what hurts you. You’re brave for putting yourself first.

Here’s to a holiday season that’s unapologetically, authentically yours.

With love and zero bullshit,
Amber Caldera